I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
