mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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