I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
