Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize