someone owes me an orgasm
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
