I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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