I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
