no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
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