We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
