I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
