when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I just pynch a tree in the face
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
