There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
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