he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Randomize
