so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
