I just made out with a guy for $7.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
