i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Randomize
