i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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