How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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