her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
My balls are so social today.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
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Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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