you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
