Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
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