I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
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