If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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