i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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