Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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