someone get that fucking seahorse.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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