thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
