my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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