I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
