Swine flu is the new snow day.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
