It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Randomize
