you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
