I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
