Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
