I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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