was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
