My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
