Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
