My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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