hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
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