how can u be prego again
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
