I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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