I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
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Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
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How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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