i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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