Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
