im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
