Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
