Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
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the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
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I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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