My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
