i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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