I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
