I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
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