It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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