I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
