I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
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