I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
