Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
